I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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