Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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