ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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