She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
