I wish I could punch you in the face.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
