i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
