broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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