I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
