i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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