Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
