he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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