I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
