Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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