is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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