Pappa wants mamma naked
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
