i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
