i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
