you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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