Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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