something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
