I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
