OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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