I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
