I faked an abortion last night.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
