took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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