someone threw a dead crab at me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
