listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
