Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
