i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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