Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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