If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
