Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
