I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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