i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
