Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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