I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
