sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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