You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
