i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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