The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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