remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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