He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
