Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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