saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize