Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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