Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
