dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
