there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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