Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
