my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
