My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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