I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She told me I should be a condom model.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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