I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
40s are totally the cure
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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