this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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