mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
ok first of all what the fuck
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
