normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize