My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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