I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
