Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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