And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
