Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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