I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
