I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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