he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
