I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
