i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
