i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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