I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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