Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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