She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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