I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
