so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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