does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need water and some morals
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
