My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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