Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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